So… not to get all “Sunrise, Sunset” and self indulgent all of you, but I think I need to engage in some writing therapy.
Since the day Fiona was born my delight in meeting her and getting to know her has been tempered with a bit of despair. The days are sliding by, more quickly all the time. Just leaving the hospital with Fiona, I felt sad because it meant that those first moments of discovery were over, and this sadness is still with me today. Fiona is well over a month old now, and I hate that. I’m completely in love with my little girl, just as she is today, as she was yesterday, as she was the day she was born. Time keeps tripping along though, and while each new day brings me new things to discover about Fiona and to love, it is also taking me closer to the day when she won’t be my little baby anymore, and that’s more than a little devastating to me.
I remember feeling a lot of these same feelings when Sam was born… feeling almost nostalgic for the time I spent in labor and delivery, scary and painful though it was, because his entire babyhood still lay before me. Now, with Fiona, I’m having all of these same feelings, but they’re even more intense, I think because I’ve been through this once before. I have already watched one child grow up faster than I wanted him to, and know that it will happen again with Fiona.
I’m trying really hard to accept that while parenthood is a series of losses—you lose your baby to toddlerhood, your toddler to preschoolhood, etc—it is also a series of discoveries. And while I feel like I couldn’t possibly love Sam and Fiona any more tomorrow than I do today, my love will in fact continue to grow as they do. Many good things are to come, and while it will be wrenching to lose my sweet little baby girl or my funny little guy, they’ll be replaced with new versions of themselves for me to adore.
Right now, I’m trying to make the most of the time I’ve got with Fiona, to focus entirely on my relationship with her. My return to work date is looming, just a few weeks away, though I’m trying to ignore this fact. It doesn’t feel right or natural to leave her at such a young age, just two months old. I am lucky in that I have a job I find stimulating and (mostly) enjoyable, but I’m not looking forward to the stress that will come from putting in my hours as well as the inevitable overtime while also trying to manage my personal life. Making sure that healthy meals get made, chores done, baby nursed, and family and friends visited, while also doing a good job at work and maintaining healthy relationships with Chris, Sam and Fiona will be difficult, if not exhausting.
Inevitably, the closeness I feel with Fiona today will be disrupted when I go back to work. As of today, I’ve been in constant contact with Fiona, never separated from her for more than an hour or so on a few occasions. In two weeks, that will have to change as she goes off to daycare and I head back to work. Again, I’m trying to focus on the positive, that she’ll be in the capable and loving hands of Sam’s beloved Ms. Emma, and will have her brother right there with her. I can’t help wishing though that I had a little more time with her.
There will good things about going back to work: new challenges, old friends, an escape from daytime tv. And I know I will cope with these feelings, even if there are some days that are harder than others. I really am very lucky and blessed to have such wonderful children, a loving husband, and a supportive network of family and friends. I’ve also got a job I enjoy with benefits that allowed me to stay home with Fiona for two months while getting full pay. Many, many women do not have that luxury, so while 2 months feels woefully inadequate to me at times, I am also grateful to have had it. The time I have had with my children following their births has been very precious and I know that I will always look back on the two maternity leave periods that I have had as times of happiness and fulfillment.
Since the day Fiona was born my delight in meeting her and getting to know her has been tempered with a bit of despair. The days are sliding by, more quickly all the time. Just leaving the hospital with Fiona, I felt sad because it meant that those first moments of discovery were over, and this sadness is still with me today. Fiona is well over a month old now, and I hate that. I’m completely in love with my little girl, just as she is today, as she was yesterday, as she was the day she was born. Time keeps tripping along though, and while each new day brings me new things to discover about Fiona and to love, it is also taking me closer to the day when she won’t be my little baby anymore, and that’s more than a little devastating to me.
I remember feeling a lot of these same feelings when Sam was born… feeling almost nostalgic for the time I spent in labor and delivery, scary and painful though it was, because his entire babyhood still lay before me. Now, with Fiona, I’m having all of these same feelings, but they’re even more intense, I think because I’ve been through this once before. I have already watched one child grow up faster than I wanted him to, and know that it will happen again with Fiona.
I’m trying really hard to accept that while parenthood is a series of losses—you lose your baby to toddlerhood, your toddler to preschoolhood, etc—it is also a series of discoveries. And while I feel like I couldn’t possibly love Sam and Fiona any more tomorrow than I do today, my love will in fact continue to grow as they do. Many good things are to come, and while it will be wrenching to lose my sweet little baby girl or my funny little guy, they’ll be replaced with new versions of themselves for me to adore.
Right now, I’m trying to make the most of the time I’ve got with Fiona, to focus entirely on my relationship with her. My return to work date is looming, just a few weeks away, though I’m trying to ignore this fact. It doesn’t feel right or natural to leave her at such a young age, just two months old. I am lucky in that I have a job I find stimulating and (mostly) enjoyable, but I’m not looking forward to the stress that will come from putting in my hours as well as the inevitable overtime while also trying to manage my personal life. Making sure that healthy meals get made, chores done, baby nursed, and family and friends visited, while also doing a good job at work and maintaining healthy relationships with Chris, Sam and Fiona will be difficult, if not exhausting.
Inevitably, the closeness I feel with Fiona today will be disrupted when I go back to work. As of today, I’ve been in constant contact with Fiona, never separated from her for more than an hour or so on a few occasions. In two weeks, that will have to change as she goes off to daycare and I head back to work. Again, I’m trying to focus on the positive, that she’ll be in the capable and loving hands of Sam’s beloved Ms. Emma, and will have her brother right there with her. I can’t help wishing though that I had a little more time with her.
There will good things about going back to work: new challenges, old friends, an escape from daytime tv. And I know I will cope with these feelings, even if there are some days that are harder than others. I really am very lucky and blessed to have such wonderful children, a loving husband, and a supportive network of family and friends. I’ve also got a job I enjoy with benefits that allowed me to stay home with Fiona for two months while getting full pay. Many, many women do not have that luxury, so while 2 months feels woefully inadequate to me at times, I am also grateful to have had it. The time I have had with my children following their births has been very precious and I know that I will always look back on the two maternity leave periods that I have had as times of happiness and fulfillment.
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